The B in self-care is not for Baths, but for Boundaries. Setting boundaries can do more for our health than any bodywork. Don’t get me wrong, I love bodywork and I think it is extremely helpful, however, it will not bring you healing if you’re constantly depleted due to putting other people’s needs first.

I often find among my clients that they have difficulties with boundaries, and it makes perfect sense as our ability to set limits and our pelvises are very connected. Our boundaries allow us to choose what comes in and what stays out. We do the same with our pelvises, we get to choose who we give our sacred energy to, and to whom we do not. Except that many times we give and give in both instances to we can feel loved, or to avoid the discomfort or the guilt of saying no…

Many of the women struggle with people-pleasing tendencies, saying no, and putting themselves first. This creates an inner environment in the body of anger, resentment, lack, stress… Not only do we know that stored emotions manifest in the body, but they create a hostile environment for our health.

If you are used to always taking care of others and putting their needs before you, your body will continue to tell you that there is something wrong. How can it turn off the alarm of pain if you’re not listening yet? You are the most important person in your life, and as such, taking care of yourself should be a top priority. You don’t need to make everyone happy, even if you were conditioned to do so. 

Every time you’re giving in just because you don’t feel comfortable saying no, you’re abusing yourself. You become your own perpetrator and therefore causing your body to still be on high alert, because there is something hurting it, and it needs to let you know about it.

I find many women struggle to speak up for themselves and then they practice “self-care” to feel better about the stress they underwent by betraying their wants and needs. Meditation and baths are a lovely addition to our lives, but the main foundation has to be done in the playing field, in the decisions you make daily. Do these choices support your healing or do they hinder it?

Healing includes your body knowing you can take care of yourself. Setting limits it’s uncomfortable, but in the long run, it’s the best investment you can make on yourself. Learning to do this can be free, but you actually need to practice it every single day. 

Some days, we will not be able to stand our ground as much as we’d like, but it is a process, it’s all part of a journey and it’s important to remind ourselves of this, but with the knowing, that we are improving. This was something very difficult for me to grasp, but it made a world of a difference once I learned it. Yet, sometimes I still fail to assert myself! But instead of letting the anger build up inside of me, I try to release it in healthy ways (journaling can be fantastic for this) and I tell myself that I am learning, that it is a process, and that I am doing my best to look after myself one day at a time.

Now, let me ask you something, if your pain would cease every time you choose to meet your needs instead of giving into other people’s needs, who would you put first?

It’s very likely that if saying NO made your pain go away, you’d become the queen of boundaries, however we know that it is unlikely that the alarm (pain) will stop right away. After all, your nervous system needs some time to rewire and learn that it’s safe. However, in the long run, this will be extremely supportive for your healing. Your body and your nervous system will understand that you’re in charge and therefore they don’t need to tell you about the dangerous situation (stress, bottled up emotions), so they won’t need to continue ringing the bell of pain. So every time you need to make a decision and you’re torn between what you want and what you feel you “should” do, make the balance on what weighs more.

In some situations, we “need” to act even if it’s not our preference, yes life throws these situations at us where we almost can’t say no (we actually always can, but in some instances we feel it’s the right thing to do), however, it should not be part of our daily life feeling depleted and unable to assert ourselves. These should be exceptions we make, not the way we live. And when these situations arise, it is important to have a healthy coping mechanism to release the feelings instead of bottling them up.

 

Now, maybe you’re thinking that this post doesn’t speak on your boundaries because you have a clear NO, however, if you put a wall of steel between you and the person or situation that is causing you discomfort, that’s not healthy boundaries either. That is purely another response to not being able to express yourself in an assertive way. You’re not allowing in good things and the possibility of negotiation because you’re so tired of people continuously taking advantage of you, that you’re afraid of giving them an opening for them to do so again. However, by completely cutting them out, you’re not able to allow good things to come in, things that would make you happy if you knew how to communicate your needs in an effective manner. So in the end, it’s just a response to the previous problem. It’s the best solution you could come up with to protect yourself, and that is wonderful because you’re already on the path to looking after yourself, however building a wall around us isn’t the path to wellbeing either.

You may do this consciously or unconsciously, so in the case of the latter, it is important to gain awareness of it. Once we know our tendency and that we need to care for our own needs, we can work on refining the ways we communicate with others to find a good ground for both parties. In short, it is important to learn how to voice ourselves so we don’t shut down as protection. 

For me, this was my case for years, especially when it came to sex. After being taken advantage of many times, in my early 20s I started to set very strict boundaries with guys. But that didn’t allow me to create a safe environment where I could thrive, it simply disconnected me from that part of myself and didn’t allow space to explore my sexuality with others. Through understanding myself and my fears on setting limits, I changed the pattern and opened the ground for my sexuality to flourish.

I invite you to reflect on how you act, and take action in a direction that allows you to protect yourself, while at the same time acting with kindness and empathy with those that you’re setting limits with. It is easier said than done, but it all starts with awareness and the intention to improve.

Much love,

 

Miriam